Love That Let's Go

Dealing with Learning, Loving, and Losing

I can confidently say that this year has been the worst year of my life and it's not even over yet. With just a few weeks left of 2022, I have been through so much change that I am sure I could write a 3 part-novel series of it all (makes mental note) and still have some left over for a sequel series. However, as traumatic as the breakup and the loss of friendships were this year, saying goodbye to my two cats has been worse. I know, I sound like a crazy cat lady but anyone that knows me, knows that my cats were my entire world. I've had them respectively for respectively 15 & 16 years and have quite literally had them for the majority of my life. And in the span of 3 weeks, I had to say goodbye to both of them. It's honestly been hell. My home, once filled with their steady presence, is empty. The lack of cries for food, demanding meows for attention, and soft purrs no longer echo in those four walls. The silence is unbearable. The memories are worse. Everywhere I look, I see them. I can't bear to get rid of their things but I also can't stand to see them anymore knowing that they won't ever use them again.

“Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives.” – John Galsworthy

This type of grief is different. It feels finite. I know they aren't coming back. There are no what-if scenarios or lack of closure for them compared to what I have gone through. But also hurts a thousand times worse because they were my babies. I raised them from birth to death. I would, and did, everything I could for them up until the very end, and yet I still feel like I could've done more. I know there was nothing more I could've done. It was all just very unexpected. I always knew this day would come, but I was totally unprepared for it when it finally arrived. I wish I had more time with them. I know I am lucky to have been given the time I was, but it doesn't make it any less unfair. I can only take solace in that they died at peace, in no pain, and with me with them every step of the way.

I liked to think that they loved each other so much, that they couldn't spend a day without each other anymore, which is why they went 3 weeks apart from each other. As a fur mom, that brings me comfort knowing that they loved each other as much as I loved them. However, I wished they would have stayed with me a little bit longer. I can't help but feel more alone and lost than ever without them here. They were quite literally my best friends and the loves of my life. They were my friends, my confidants, and there for me during times when others were not. I can't believe that I have to start the next part of my life without them. I know life is full of changes, and "when one door closes, another opens" rhetoric is cliche, but it wouldn't be a cliche if it wasn't true.

Life is full of instances like these and tough choices. Knowing when it's time to say goodbye, is even harder. We don't know what the right choice is until we are faced with it head-on. Yet, even in those moments, we are riddled with the past, the present, and the future, in the hope that we are making the right decisions. Lord knows I have made some poor decisions lately, but making the decision to let my babies go, no matter how hard it was on me, was the best one I have ever made for them. Now that I am on my own again, I have been reflecting a lot about decisions. Good and Bad ones alike. There are many decisions that I regret, but I made them with what I thought was best for me at that moment, and I would make them all over again. I can't change the past, just like I can't bring back my babies. Those decisions and choices are said and done. But the lessons learned and the love that was shared will never leave me.

In Loving Memory of Allie (left) and Tennessee (Right)