You Ruined Everything

Sometimes your greatest enemy isn't those who have hurt you, but yourself.

Remember when I talked about the stages of Grief? Remember what I said about "anger"? How I wasn't angry or didn't have fits of unadulterated hate towards those who did me wrong? Well, I lied. I am angry. I am angry about what happened. I am angry about what was said. I am angry that even after all this time, all the tears, all the mourning that I have done to put all of that behind me, it is not buried as it should be. Ever heard of the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie"? Let them lie. It's over, it's done, and there's nothing to do anymore. Nothing will change, the outcome has been given, and yet I'm angry that I am still stuck in this place seemingly unable to leave it all behind. I'm angry about how unfair it all is. I'm angry that good people can do bad things and bad things happen to good people. But you know what really grinds my gears the most? It is the fact that no matter how far removed I am from those traumatic events, I will always carry those scars with me.

The funny thing about scars is that they never leave you. They mar your body forever. We can try to diminish them as much as possible but they will never truly go away. The same can be said for emotional scars. They are much harder to mend but not impossible. My emotional scars are very much present in my life. Everything I say, do, and feel is somewhat influenced by them and that makes me angry.

It is hard moving on with your life after dealing with intense heartbreak. You begin to question every decision you make, the interactions you have, and every thought you think. Greif has a funny way of following you around, even after you have left the stages. The hardest part about moving on from past relationships and friendships isn't the "moving on" part, but the moments where the only person you can blame for crappy situations is yourself. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of blame to throw at the people who have caused me pain, but at the end of the day, they can't hurt me anymore. The only person causing me pain is me. Trust me, I hate myself more than you could ever hate me. But here is the difference, I've accepted what happened. I've accepted my part in it all and have gone through an intense amount of therapy to get where I am today. Yet, those emotional scars still take their toll on me. Especially when it comes to forming new friendships and dating.

Starting new relationships with friends or potential romantic partners is incredibly difficult even without the shadow of past heartbreaks. You are constantly worrying about if they like you, actually want to be with you, and how you present yourself. I constantly battle my own insecurities about who I am to my friends and potential romantic partners. Now, after dealing with a pretty traumatic breakup and the end of multiple friendships, I feel as though I am in a constant war with myself. Constantly watching what I say, how I come off to people, and the hardest one yet, not comparing new people with those of my past. The worst comparison of all is how I compare myself to who I used to be. Who I was before Him. Who I was before Them. I gave my all to these people and now I am afraid that there isn't much more to give to all the new people in my life. I'm tired, burnt-out, overtly cautious, and mistrusting at times. I want to be able to be the type of friend and partner that I was once before, but I feel myself holding back.

I just want to be whole again. I have put a lot of work into myself these past six months. I have attended therapy, focused on my physical health, and constantly sought out new experiences in the hope that new memories will replace old ones. But it's hard to replace the past when the past is constantly trying to come back. I never really understood the statement "they always come back" until it was quite literally seeking me out. Sometimes it's okay to say no to your past. It's all about "protecting your peace" in those situations if interacting with them is not beneficial to you at the moment. Other times, it is ok to interact with them.

I recently talked to my ex for the first time since he said he didn't love me anymore. Our conversation was nice though. We talked about our lives, and what had been going on recently. We joked, we laughed, and we reminisced. It was like nothing had changed, it felt like we never had said goodbye. After the conversation, I felt a weird sense of peace and turmoil. It was nice talking to him again, but it also hurt because it reminded me we aren't together. If we could talk like this, why did we break up? I know why we broke up, it's just frustrating to me that even after all this time those scars still hurt.

I'm angry, sad, and confused. They can't hurt me anymore, so why am I still hurting?