This is Where I Leave You

Accepting the finality of relationships and the journey of healing

Every relationship has a timeline, whether that be romantic or platonic. Some relationships are long, some are short, and some are infinite. The hurt we feel after these relationships end is brutal. We feel betrayed, angry, sad, and abandoned. The people who are supposed to "love you the most" suddenly are no longer in your life and we are supposed to just let them go with no explanation, no apology, and no goodbye. Forced to accept the complete silence.

I have been through a lot of "breakups" this past year. Some friends, some family, and one boyfriend. Each was traumatic in its own right because of how personal they were. My immediate reaction to each one was "what is so wrong with me?", "why wasn't I enough?", "they said they loved me, so why did they leave?" As cliche as it may sound, sometimes it isn't you. It is quite literally them. You can't change people, beg them to stay and love you. They have to be willing to do that on their own, but the pain of each loss is different. The silence that comes afterward is always the same.

The silence is deafening but nothing gets you over a breakup, especially that of a romantic nature, more than hearing them say, "I don't love you anymore". I wish I had stayed in silence a little longer for this one because being in the limbo of hope felt so good. Now that some time has passed, I needed that slap of reality. Hearing those words hurt more than the breakup itself because I still had love to give and hope that everything would be alright. Sometimes, love isn't enough. That hope we keep holding on to and saying to ourselves has to go silent. Once he uttered those words, I lost all hope and I knew I needed to move on. However, moving on doesn't look the same for everyone. We all go through the stages of grief differently.

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Here is what I learned in grief:

What I learned in Denial:

Denial was hard. I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I kept saying to myself that "This can't be happening!", "He'll call tomorrow and this will be all over.", "This is just a terrible dream." In denial, I learned a lot about my insecurities, what I thought about myself, and what I thought about the relationships I had with people. On really tough days, I still find myself there.

What I learned in Anger:

I never experienced full-blown anger after the "breakups". I have moments (particularly when I have had some "spirits") that I border anger but nothing firey or pinpoint. I was angrier at the universe, religious figures, and whatever/whoever was listening. I was angry at the situation, never at them. I learned rationality in this stage. I knew who I was supposed to be angry with was with me. Only I can hold myself accountable for my own actions. That doesn't mean I wasn't disappointed in the people who broke me.

What I learned in Bargaining:

Bargaining was an intense stage. I remember constantly asking God and the Universe to change the outcome. I constantly created scenarios that if I had done this, said that, and done more, then I could change the outcome of the whole thing. But that's not how these things work sometimes. I learned how far I was willing to go in my mind, and what I will willing to lose, to get my way.

What I learned in Depression:

I couldn't eat. I barely slept. My dreams were plagued by nightmares of all the people, places, and events that had transpired in these relationships to only be amplified in the "breakup". I couldn't function for days. Leaving my bed took immense amounts of energy. I hit the lowest point of my life here. What I learned is that depression is isolating. The silence was amplified and almost made me crazy. I wanted to be alone but also was deathly afraid of it too. Most importantly, I learned it is ok to ask for help.

What I am learning in Acceptance:

Acceptance isn't finite. You can accept what has happened but still be incredibly hurt by it. You can accept who people are and still be disappointed by them. You can accept what has happened to you, but then have to make a choice. Live with it or learn from it? I'm currently choosing to learn from it. It's not an easy road but it's one that needs to be traveled.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”

- Earl Grollman

I went through multiple stages of grief at different times and sometimes all at once. Now, that I am in a stage of acceptance, it doesn't mean I don't revert back to previous stages every now and again. What I have learned from these stages is that each has a purpose. They are essential to healing your mind, body, and soul. But what comes after the stages of grief? What happens to us when we leave grief and move into the unknown?

Leaving the stages of grief is scary. In grief we are safe. We know what comes next. But what comes after is unknown, you don't know what truly lies ahead of you anymore. Is it more hurt, reconciliation, love, happiness, or is it more silence? What happens is Life.

We go on to live our lives in the unknown. We make decisions that we either live with or learn from. We hurt, we cry, we laugh and sing. We fall in love over and over again until we find the one we want to experience life with till the end of our days. We continue to do it all over again when it doesn't work out the way we expected it to. We take the stages of grief along with us because we will still hurt sometimes and something new will soon be on its way to hurt us again. But a such is life.