Stuck In the Middle

Wanting to travel and experience the world, but being stuck in the middle of your life.

Sunrise - Haleakala National Park, Maui, Hawaii. Feat. Sam Maksud

I have always loved to travel. As a child, I traveled through the pages of novels, the world of the television screen, and when I was older, on 747's. It's a part of me and a constant ache in my heart being stuck in one place all the time. I'm a free spirit, I always have been. I've marched to the beat of my own drum since I could walk. Now as a semi-functioning adult, I have lost that step. I walk to the beat of society. Play the role I am supposed to play with that constant ache, the need to get away, never leaving. It is constantly tapping away on my heart.

It's been officially three weeks since my breakup and that rhythmic tapping has turned into a full blown heart attack. I want to get away so badly and leave this place that reminds me of nothing but him. I already ran away from home because that is where he was physically. Now, halfway across the country, in the state of his birth, and it doesn't seem far enough. All I can think of is flying across the world to get away, but I can't. I am stuck in the middle of master's degree with one year left to go. Stuck in the middle of lease that has already been signed, and two cats that depend on me. Not to mention, incredibly broke even with two part time jobs. How do I run away when I am stuck to the place in life?

I see videos of people picking up their lives and moving across the world and it looks magical. The sun, smiles, and wonders of the world they portray on their social media are beautiful and inviting. But I can't help but think all of what they left behind. Did they leave their pets? Family? School? An ex-partner? How are they doing now? Do they regret leaving? Running away to a foreign land with just a backpack and camera, or are they happy? Content? Free?

After encountering countless videos, pictures, and articles of people going on grand adventures after a breakup, living their best lives, I keep telling myself that not everything is as it seems. Not everyone's situation is like yours. Doesn't mean I still don't want that to be me. I want to go swim the mediterranean, munch on Italian street food, meet a scottish man in Edinburgh, and all the other wonderful things that movies and novels are made of. I don't want to be trapped in a place where I feel so alone. Surrounded by nothing but memories and broken promises. I want my life to begin. I want to love again. I just want to be able to do what my heart has been telling me since the beginning, to go. Go and experience the world. Go make memories, make mistakes, but most importantly, go live.

Am I jealous? Defineitley. Do I have unrealistic expectations of these dream? Possibly, but that doesn't mean they can't be true.