Cherishing the "Lasts"

Accepting that "last moments"are meant to be unknown.

No one tells you when you will experience your "lasts" until it's already said and done. Sometimes we celebrate it like your "last first day of school", "last night before you leave for college", "last dinner with friends before moving away". Then some "lasts" come unexpectedly. They hurt the most because when we think back on them, we wished we would have known it was "the last time" so we would have appreciated it more. Done more in the moment, or maybe done things differently. This is the universes cruel joke.

I recently went through a breakup and for the past two weeks since then, I have been thinking of nothing but "lasts". Our last dinner, our last hug, our last kiss, and so much more. It breaks my heart thinking of all the things I enjoyed doing with him and I will never get to do again. Even in the last week of our relationship, I was trying my hardest to make every moment count. Make sure every kiss was filled with love, and every touch was warm and inviting. Looking back, I think I knew subconsciously that I was preparing for the end. Which is why I tried so hard to prevent it, but it wasn't enough. On a beautiful saturday morning, I woke up with my then boyfriend , not even realizing that it was going to be the last time I would wake up in his arms.

Two weeks have past and there hasn't been a day where I haven't thought of him, cried my eyes out, or remembered our lasts. I still replay our last kiss as we said goodbye, in my head. I think about the last "I love you" after our breakup conversation. I constantly look over the last photo we ever took together, seeing how happy we were, and yearning for that moment back. I want it all back. The love, the laughter, the tears, the encouragement, and the playful teasing. I want it all, but I can't have it.

All that I have is our memories. It's the cruelest part of heartbreak because you can't escape your memories. They live in everything. They live inside you. Fill you up with love and warmth. Are there when you close your eyes and fill your head with dreams at night. I have dreamt of nothing but him every night since we parted. Each night I re-live a different memory from our relationship and just cherish that moment even more because I will never live it again. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.

I miss him. I miss him with every breath I take and in every part of me. The last two weeks have been hard. I am trying to find who I am without him again when I haven't been that girl in so long. I don't even remember the "last saved" version of myself before I met him. It wasn't a good version, I know that much. This version, the version that is living life without a boyfriend again, needs to be better.

"Lasts" are hard, but "beginnings" are bittersweet.